The obsession with food and my body is in my past. It does not control the Natalie of today. But it is important for me to share the story of my eating disorder. I am proof that from the depths of despair, you can achieve peace and happiness.
For a very long time, I didn't think I counted. I grew up in the Caribbean, on the island of Trinidad, a plump child. Mine is the classic story, I was always the last one to be chosen for any team. Because of my weight, I overcompensated in other parts of my life. I was the best little girl, did all my chores, and was a straight-A student.
When I was eight years old, our family doctor prescribed diet pills for me. After I fainted in choir practice, my mother enrolled me in a Weight Watchers youth program. From then on into my teens, I tried all kinds of diets- liquid diets, starvation diets, crash diets, diets where I would eat only one type of food. My parents knew that I was always struggling to lose weight, and I got a lot of reinforcement. I began to associate being thin with doing well.
In my teens, I started working out, mainly running, and I lost a lot of weight. To my family and friends this was a major accomplishment. What I didn't tell them was that I also wasn't eating. I would fast for two days at a time. I was also abusing laxatives. You know those chocolate Ex Lax bars? I thought it was genius: I got to eat chocolate and lose weight at the same time.
Every morning lying in bed, I checked to see how far my hip bones stuck out so that I could determine how much I could eat that day, if anything. I usually survived on Coca-Cola and these Trinidadian sweet-and-sour salt prunes, still purging with laxatives. When you're that young, you're not thinking about what you're doing to your body, you just want to look good and be accepted.
Throughout my teens things only got worse. I migrated to Florida with my family and continued the insanity. I hated food when I ate and my stomach bulged. Then I loved it so much for the comfort it gave me while I binged uncontrollably. I had moments of perceived control while on numerous diets until I started sneaking food. Then as I put on more weight than I lost, my inward and outward 'failure' was confirmed, and I plummeted into despair.
I had this routine with a girlfriend: Together we would starve ourselves Thursday through Saturday so that we would be thin for the boys when we went out drinking in the clubs. Then we'd binge Sunday, Monday and Tuesday-and start the fasting process all over again.
I was feeling out of control. Worse, I felt such hate and disgust for myself. For my high school graduation present, I opted for going to a health spa, where I fasted on only water for 17 days, instead of a trip to Europe.
I continued my laxative addiction well into my twenties. At the height (or depth) of it, I could take nine Correctol pills at one time. Of course, I'd wake the next day completely depleted of electrolytes, unable to go to class.
And let me recount all the diets and programs I tried: Weight Watchers, Optifast, Cambridge Liquid Diet, Protein diet, Dexatrim diet pills. None of them worked for me.
I have now reached a place in my life where I feel accepting and at peace with my body. It is no longer something to battle with. The war is over and I have triumphed. I am no longer afraid to eat or fearful that I can't stop once I have started. How did I get to this level of confidence, when for most of my life I felt as if I did not fit in, that only if I was thin would I be allowed to participate in the world?
The Journey Back to Self-Esteem
As crazy as this may sound, I am thankful for having had the pain of an eating disorder in my life. It forced me to examine myself. Where did I fit in to the rest of the world? What did I want? What did I truly need?
Beginning to feel good about myself regardless of my weight did not happen overnight. During my first year of college I joined Overeaters Anonymous. I went to a meeting a day for two years. There I discovered my emotional connection to food- that I would eat whenever I felt fearful. Because I thought I had to be perfect all the time, I had been pushing down my feelings with food.
OA also helped me to focus on my spirituality, my inner self. I began to realize that my focus shouldn't be on my body, but on finding out who I am on the inside. OA gave me grounding. The steps, meetings and people I met led me to a place where I was understood. I had no idea that there were other people who felt as I did. It was a relief.
I continued the exploration of my true self by reading self-help and spiritual books, taking self-improvement seminars. I was relentless about the pursuit of my own happiness. Generally, I focused on my spiritual and emotional self rather than the physical self I had obsessed over for so many years.
I also learned how to eat normally, using food as fuel for my body and exercise for physical strength. I felt an incredible sense of well being simply by experiencing the movement of my body.
Through therapy I also found out that the pain I experienced as a child manifested itself physically with weight. When I began to examine where the pain stemmed from, I slowly healed, releasing the obsession and fear of food.
Today I am fully responsible for my life and know that with my orchestration and conscious awareness of God's will, I can achieve all the dreams I see in my mind.
Ironically, I am now a successful plus-size model. My weight, which had paralyzed me through my life, has now given me immense rewards. I am now admired because of my full figure.
Being a full figured model in the fashion industry is still a new phenomenon. Even though 62 million American women are size 12 or above, the fashion industry and the media would have you believe that every woman is a size 6, with perfect skin and a perfect body. Even models don't look that way in real life. The art-department computer takes away cellulite and wrinkles and subtly reshapes their bodies. How can we aspire to a physical perfection that does not even exist?
Did you know that models 20 years ago weighed 8 percent less than the average woman? Today they weigh 23 percent less. As a model, I never see myself as a freak, the big girl among the thin; I feel that my body's curves hold their own appeal.
It's not always easy to feel confident and secure with your physical self, especially as a woman in a society that puts such a premium on a virtually unattainable ideal. But if at this moment, right now, you can start by accepting that you are an individual, a person like no other, you can begin to feel love and acceptance for yourself. Those feelings will spring you forward into your self-where your self-confidence and self esteem are waiting for you.
About Natalie Laughlin:
W magazine called her one of ".. the brightest stars..", and The Wall Street Journal says "…people in the
industry say the brown-eyed, 5-foot-9 model, size 12-to-14,is at the top of her game."
Natalie Laughlin is a woman of firsts. She is the first plus size model to have five consecutive billboards in Times Square, a fashion spread and story in the pages of Glamour and a contract with a web site, Onlyreal.com — and in doing so, she is not only at the top of her career but in the process has paved the way for other plus-size models and equally important, has been a spokeswoman and role model for women of all sizes. Currently in production her life story will soon be seen on television-The Natalie Laughlin Story — Making It Big.
Born in Trinidad of English and French ancestry she immigrated with her family to Miami in her teens. She later moved to New York City to study acting at New York University where she graduated with a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Acting.
Natalie's modeling career began with Ford models in Miami's booming South Beach section-The European and American clients discovered her and hired her continually for editorial and catalogue jobs. She became known throughout Miami and nick named the "Cindy Crawford of plus sizes".
With this new success, she began to travel internationally, working in every Global fashion market.
- Glamour Magazine chose Natalie to be featured in an unprecedented fashion spread and an article with her personal story in the January, 1995 issue. With the advent of the Glamour article, Natalie's career skyrocketed and she has dominated the Plus Advertising World since then.
- As a Wilhelmina Model in the Ten-20 division, she once again created a sensation, changing the world with her revolutionary Mode magazine cover; appearing as large as life on the backs of buses and phone booths all over New York City.
- Natalie has the distinction of being the only plus model to have Five Consecutive Billboards in Times Square as Liz Claiborne's, ‘Elizabeth' Girl.
- She is the only plus size model to garner a contract with a web site as official spokes woman and fashion director for Onlyreal.com, Natalie brings her winning attitude and unsinkable spirit to the Natalie channel, where she writes monthly features and answers questions in "Ask Natalie", sharing her expertise in matters of life and style.
- Natalie has now ventured into the world of Television, recognized as the quintessential woman of the twenty first century, as a guest on shows such as: E Entertainment, MSNBC, Extra, New Attitudes (Lifetime television), Fox News, Pure Oxygen and She Commerce (Oxygen), and Today in America, etc.
Natalie's modern, yet tangible look has helped her achieve incredible success in the modeling industry and advance the concept of "style as a sizeless community".
This size 12/14 Wilhelmina model's mission is to impact the world of fashion by furthering the notion that every woman's dream body is, in fact, the one that is perfect for her. Visit www.natalielaughlin.com and get a fresh perspective on life.
Natalie feels that her success is not only the result of hard work and persistence but the spiritual belief that, "if you give of yourself to help the healing of the world in return you will receive the gifts you deserve." She has also learned that it is important to, "Create a grand vision for your life, and know that in self love, as you reach for your highest possibilities there are no limits."e;
**The story was taken directly from www.natalielaughlin.com with permission.